dear mommy friends

So, let me preface this by saying--I love my girlfriends. All of them. Whether we see and talk on a daily basis, or there are weeks or months between them. Each relationship is unique. And I seriously treasure each of them. Even through this rant!

I am in what I consider a unique position amongst my friends. I am in my 30s. I'm married. Yet, I have no children--well of the human kind (furry kids count, right?!). The majority of my girl friends are in their 30s (wide ranging). Married. Have 2.5+ rugrats running around. Some are done. Some are still hoping to expand their families. Most have "natural" children (meaning their husbands knocked them up). Some have adopted kids. Whatever it looks like--the overwhelming majority of my friends have growing families. 

Then there is me.  (I've blogged about this before--the status quo blah blah blah.....)

That's NOT what this about. 

I'm actually okay with where God has us. We are on our own journey, and He knows where it is headed. So, I'm taking refuge in that truth. 

It's everyone else who seems to have the issue. 

I used to be invited to all things that involved my friends and their little ones--birthday parties, babysitting for parents night out, beach days, "field trips", I mean any and everything. I even got phone calls about first words, potty training, steps. etc. BUT, all that fizzled. As the years have gone on, and more kids have come into the picture, and more events have passed---everything has shifted. Maybe it's because I don't have kids yet. Maybe it's because I'm the odd man out. Maybe it's because people think I would find it difficult?! I honestly don't know what the reasoning behind it is. 

However, I do know that it sucks. 

Just because life looks different for me at the moment, doesn't mean I don't want to be involved in your families life. It doesn't mean that I find if difficult to be around your kids. It doesn't mean that I love or care any less about your family and the milestones in your kids lives. 

Have you asked me how I feel about it? 
Have you thought about the distance you've created? 
Do you even have a clue as to why we might be where we are--is it by choice or just part of our journey?

My point is this: don't assume things. Let me be the one to decide what I want to come to, how much I want to hear, and how much distance I need. I can assure you--it's probably nothing like you have assumed.

a look in

in·tro·spec·tion [in-truh-spek-shuhn]  

noun

 observation or examination of one's own mental and emotional state, mental processes, etc.; 

the act of looking within one self  

 

Things I'm acknowledging &/or learning about myself & my life:

I am in awe of how much God loves me. 

I am blessed with an incredible husband and family. They are my world.

I'm constantly surprised by my husbands love for me.

I have high expectations when it comes to relationships.

I wear my heart on my sleeve [to a fault].

I over analyze things and situations in my head.

I let others have too much control of my emotions. 

It makes me sad that my trust in people is shrinking.

I am realizing that solid friendships are hard to come by.

I treasure my best buds.

I compare myself to others far too much, yet I'm more comfortable in my own skin than ever before.

I'm terrible at surface relationships.

 

I've never fit into one certain group, and prefer to keep it that way.

I'm not a hipster, nor do I want to be.

I am an "all-inclusive" girl. I hate leaving people out.

I am learning to accept that not everyone feels the same. 

I have accepted that some friendships are only around for seasons. People change.

I'll do anything for my friends, and expect the same in return.  

I hate that my face gives away every emotion.

I'm not near as confrontational as I once was.

I have lots of arguments in my head with people, but I would rather let things go.

I forgive easily, but have a very hard time forgetting.

I can't wait to be a mom. 

I don't want to be the mom or friend who can't hang with childless friends due to "being in a different life stage."

I am becoming much more introverted than ever before.

I prefer staying in over going out these days.

I'm scared to stay home alone now, even though I used to live alone.

I can't watch crime shows without anxiety.

I love my animals to the moon & back.

I'm an accessory junkie.

I don't think a girl can have too many pairs of shoes. Or scarves. Or purses. Or funky jewelry.

I annoy myself with the lack of patience I have.

I really need to work on my patience with adults. I'm good with the kiddos.

I want to enjoy exercising, but I hate it.

I wish I was still a "night owl".

I now have an internal alarm clock that buzzes at 6:30am.

I am plagued with insomnia most nights.

I'm not near as creative as I would like to be.

I no longer let fear keep me down.

I tend to jump in head first.

I think I can change the world. 

I'm passionate about what I do. What I believe. What I want.

lately

So....I've been absent for quite some time. It's not that I haven't wanted to blog, it's literally been a lack of time. Not content. So much has been happening...in my extended family, my immediate family, and just in my life in general. Some good, some bad, some just flat crazy! 

Let me go ahead and "beep beep, back it up" for you....and fill ya in.

Ever feel like you are on a roller coaster that won't stop?!

That's where I'm at right now. I literally have had to stop and debate with myself about what day it is. Things have been such a whirlwind in our house the past month or so. I seriously haven't been grocery shopping in [going on] 4 weeks. Haven't done laundry in 3. And haven't been home [more than one night a week] before 10pm.

Juggling my commitments is becoming a full time job!

My husband is working like a maniac due to some pretty big changes at our company. [He has always worked hard, especially during this time of year. but, when someone leaves, he is there to pick up the slack and run with it! i.e. we run a family business!]  I probably won't ever (well, anytime soon) make my husband not work so hard. It's in his blood. Part of his DNA. It's just what he does. And I love and appreciate that about him. His drive and dedication to the business that his dad built is admirable. He only wants to continue the legacy that has been in our town for 30 years. And, in this season we are in right now, slowing down isn't in the cards. 

I'm very thankful that I'm able to just hold on for the ride for the time being.

I would be lying if I said "I wouldn't change a thing though" because I most certainly would. I would want more time with my husband, and more time with my family & friends.

As for me, I'm still nannying [albeit part time], trying to build momentum in my Arbonne business & just planned an amazing event for A21 that took place on June 24th. (EXTREMELY proud of this & will fill you in on more later!) I'm really busting it with my Arbonne business. Trying to build it up so I can focus my time and energy on something that I feel is much more important than myself, The A21 Campaign. I love and believe in Arbonne with all my heart. I wouldn't work for a company unless I believed in the foundations of it, the people I work for, and the products we produce/sell. I wouldn't introduce people to products that were not genuinely good for them, inside and out, and these are exactly that. I'm not going to pursue something like this if it can't be a blessing for others. As for The A21 Campaign--well, if you know me, you know that it is my heart beat. God placed a huge burden on my heart for it, and opened the doors--and by open, I mean, opened them wide-and I couldn't feel more blessed. 

Have you ever felt like you knew you were created for something, 

but could never put a finger on it, and then all of a sudden, it was like 

"BAM"?! 

Right smack in front of your face like a brick wall....?? 

Well, yeah. That has been my experience with A21 thus far. 

I have no idea what the future looks like for this, 

but God does, and I'm certainly willing to trust His will!! 

You know you are on the right path when the enemy starts to rear his snarky little  head. The "enemy" is always hard at work when you are following Gods plan for your life. I wish I could say that this surprises me, but it just doesn't.  And, let me tell you.....I've never felt more attacked than I have in the past few months as this A21 launch event was creeping up. (And you better believe it was an even deeper confirmation that I was doing what God has called me to do!!) 

The enemy hit. 

And he hit with a vengeance. 

Never letting up. 

Causing what could've been major distraction, and a cause for me to walk away, but it never happened. Instead, I dug deeper. I pushed harder. I fought back. I found something inside, deep inside, that carried me through all of it. [{Faith. Hope.} AND an incredibly supportive Husband] He pushed buttons that would cause major emotional pulls. He attacked my family. The health of my family. I've had 3 members of my family in and out of the hospital for the past month or so. My 21yr old cousin had a stroke. My uncle went in for neck surgery and ended up with an coronary embolism, blood clots in both legs, and e coli--and is still in and out of the hospital fighting it all. My gPapa was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, after having been diagnosed months back with a thoracic aneurysm and bladder cancer. To say I've had a lot to cope with is a dramatic understatement.

With all of this going on, one would think I'd shut down. 

Well, I would have thought I would shut down. 

There was probably a time in my life that I would have if I'm being real honest. I would have shut down, become angry and confused, and sulked. But, not today. Not in this time. Not where I am...physically, spiritually, emotionally, and relationally. I'm not in this life alone. I'm not living for just me. I'm not the center of my own world. I have a greater purpose. One I'm still figuring out, yet know I'm on the right path for.

to be continued.....

they call him mr r

It never ceases to amaze me how God uses situations for the greater good. 

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

A girlfriend of mine just came for a quick visit from Atlanta. I treasure her. I treasure our friendship. And, I laugh at the way in which we were brought together.


Here is our story:

Rewind about 10-11 yrs ago (WHOA...can not believe it was that long ago!).

I was living in LA. I was young. I was naive. I was a mess. :) I was also over the moon for what would never be. I had this insane idea that I could be the "one" to tame a certain boy. (girls...you can't tame another human being, so don't waste your energy trying!) I changed who I was. I sacrificed relationships for this thing. I wore my heart on my sleeve and got it ripped off, yet kept going back for more. I knew better, but it was an addiction. 

I thought I could be different. 

I thought I was different. 

I believed the lies even when I knew it was a lie. I'm telling you I was a hot mess. I allowed this to happen for over a year! I was severely blinded by this desire to be the girl who could make him change. And she was in the exact same boat. This boy had us both duped! And, we are not dumb girls! In fact, we are the complete opposite. I have no clue what was wrong with either us. I guess we both have the need to "fix" things/people/situations. And, this wasn't something for either of us to do! God is the only one who can truly change a person and his/her heart.

Fast forward a couple of years to somewhere around '04/05.

A very good mutual friend finally laid it all out there & connected us. We connected all the dots. We figured it all out. We finally realized the truth. We saw the light---and what a bright shiny light it was!! HA. If only we had been willing to see it sooner. I'm still surprised it took both of us so long to get smacked with it. From that phone conversation, a beautiful friendship was born. It could have turned out much differently had we let it. But, we didn't.

I'm ever so thankful that God allowed this situation to happen. It taught me so so much about relationships---with guys & girls. It taught me what I wanted, what I didn't, what I would tolerate, who I wanted to be, and how important setting standards are for yourself. I also got a life long friendship. We came out on top by far. And, now we can look back at what brought us together and laugh at what fools we once were!!

If I could say one thing to this boy now, it'd be "Thank you". Thank you for bringing a beautiful woman of God into my life. Thank you for connecting us. Thank you for the heartache...it was worth it for a friendship like this. God is good. He used that mess to connect two strong spirits. 

I love you to pieces lady :)